The reluctant poster

It has been some years since I've written on this blog. The last post was rather emotional and not the good kind either. It is sad to think that the only reason I've wanted to come back and write was because I have yet another sobering thought. And again, not exactly a positive kind either, but I'd like to think it is analytical.

Death.

I have always wondered what I personally thought of it. I have never really had much of an opinion in such matter. I consider it neither sad nor happy. Neither option really describes it for me. I gave it some thought and came to the conclusion that I felt indifferent towards it. It is like a season that transition into another, eventually passing like a habitual routine. A constant that we have no control but accepting.

In Western culture, there is a norm to think that we have to continue living as if the world depended on it. This may be true. But to what extent then this becomes a necessity? Are we to continually deny that mortality exists? Even when our time is nigh?

Meanwhile, other cultures rejoice and celebrate days of the death and embrace is as part of the living. I believe it is partly due to letting the future generation know that it is part of this world and we should not deny it its existence. It will happen and it will be inevitable.

But looking at things from my own living situation (and as selfish as this may sound), I can conclude that my existence is important to others, but maybe it is not so much to myself. It is different to feeling suicidal or wanting to end one's life. Just an understanding that when my time comes due to whatever (un)fortunate circumstances then what I can say is that I have none to lose. I have no psychological nor emotional attachment to this world. And when I leave my physical being will be nothing but a pile of ash that is scattered on earth. I think the scariest notion out of all of this is the thought that I feel nothing towards my own mortality.

When such a thought occurs then doesn't that mean I would need to readjust my own life? How do I give it meaning? I know for sure the constant humdrum of everyday life and the routines and the habits are nothing but fillers to the gaps of my existence. I think that is my next part of my own journey. To find what I find meaningful in my own life and to work hard to fulfil my own sense of belonging.

I'm not entirely sure whether I have stepped away from my emotional immaturity but I guess we will always learn and to constantly learn is not necessarily a bad thing.

To Love? Hatred.

There's a scientific finding that concluded "hate is of a closer emotion to love than anger", I believe that. When I feel anger I am bathed in frustration but when I feel hatred I hate with a passion. 

"Love is to hate to lose someone and hate is the love to lose someone."

I think the similarity between hate and love wasn't immediately evident to me until I began to hate someone tremendously. Caveat: I don't normally hate people, so please don't avoid me when you see me on the streets! But in all seriousness, I began with a 'like' for this person that escalated to an infatuation that, thankfully, did not blossom to love. Ever since our connection became sour I was sad and felt unappreciated (I was) then when meeting them for the first time in months I was calmly apathetic but… rather than a normal indifferent apathy it was really a silent hate. 

At first I thought, "this can't possibly be right, I'm just feeling a little upset and angry" but no, after further thinking into the matter, I concluded that I must really hate them now. It was an abundance of emotion that has collected into a ball; frustration, sadness, anger; because when I think about it apathy would not lead me to think about this person all the time, still, to this day. Now I have resigned myself to the thought that I hate this person and probably will be from here on forward, which admittedly is surprising and a rather sobering thought because I never knew I can hate a person to such an extent. 

Being the person I am, I began to look into the matter, and rather than analysing with my feelings, I began to analyse it from a psychological point of view. I deduce my feelings for this person hasn't dissipated, but rather shifted from a passionate infatuation to a fervent hatred (the silent but deadly kind). I suspect I won't get over this 'emotion' anytime too soon for I am too stubborn to do such a thing.

Indeed, too stubborn.

Politeness Aside?

What is the best course of action to take in removing or unfollowing someone on social media? This has never really occurred to me until now and the social network in question is Twitter. The task is especially delicate given how many people I follow that I know of in real life. 

In terms of social media, especially in networks with a greater amount of anonymity than Facebook, I try to keep a low profile, especially from my real life friends (this is surprisingly not that hard to do!). Granted, I have used my real name and associated my name to my pseudonym which makes it easier for people to search for me but surprisingly apart from Facebook a greater amount of my friends don't go to other networks as regularly. But for the small few that do know me on Twitter I somehow feel obligated to keep following them despite knowing that the content of their posts are often not of substantial qualities. 

This delicate balance on keeping my stream relevant for myself but at the same time keeping a politeness by following these friends of mine is quite a challenge. Now the question becomes, do I want to keep my stream clean? Or, would I rather subconsciously ignore these friends' posts? Given how small the amount is, I'm more than happy to keep it to the latter but not everyone has such a luxury. 

I do realise it's not an obligation to follow those people that follow you first but those people that you know in real life, that you see almost every other day, there has to be some social media conflict in that regard. Especially when they're polluting your stream with irrelevant posts and clogging your stream.

But in any case, for my own sanity, I think I should just ignore the offending tweets and perhaps in the future stealthily unfollow this person. 

The 'Immortals'

Mortality is a rather funny thing isn't it? And I guess the old saying, "you never know what you have until you lose it" is rather true. It didn't strike me when I heard the news nor the day followed it but on the bus ride to work (odd but true) it suddenly dawned on me, I've really taken something for granted. 

A family friend recently passed away, and it was a sad occasion, yes, but it didn't terribly occur to me beyond it being a rather sad news. She hasn't been well but it was a shock (to everyone) at how quick and rather unexpected news her passing was. She was a family friend. Someone I'm not close with. I, personally, had no emotional connection to her nor her family (as unemotional and cruel that may sound).

But then I remembered the times that she would bring us food (she was an awesome cook) and share things that she had cooked. They were always very delicious and full of motherly care. I mean, I hardly talk to her nor know her as a person but these food were enough to remind me that I do know her, I know her quite well. And now, I'm going to miss her. 

It's rather sad to know that as you grow older the people that you think will live forever slowly disappears from your life. One by one. Some without warning. Some in great agony. Others, peacefully. 

The 'immortal' grown-ups, who tower over you and will be able to solve all the world's problems, these people that you always have to crane your neck up to see their faces shadowed by the glaring sun. These 'Immortals'. They never were. This is the sad reality that you will always bear with you as you slowly grow older, take things for granted and live selfishly.

The ones that you think will always have that perfect smile. The ones that you think will always have their dark lush hair swept by the wind. The ones that you think will never have a crease on their youthful faces nor a hunch on their backs. These 'Immortals'. 

In the end even if they don't live forever they are precious to me. They are the ones to be cherished and respected. The ones that didn't change the world but changed you. 

When my day comes, I hope to be one of them. The 'Immortals'.

Ok...

I'm not too sure how to respond to a person who acted with a particularly negative sentiment towards me acquiring a new technological device that I really particularly needed quite badly. Mind you, I did not flaunt this in front of their faces at all but rather hinted but did not say anything until they asked for further details, quite vehemently at that too. Well either way, I'm not too sure that such a profane word can be used so casually to reflect their dislike towards my newly acquired item or rather directed towards me. Yes, "holding a grudge" towards me for having a new item is alright but I'm not too sure it warrants them to call me a 'bitch' just because of this. I hate this person right now- wait let me rephrase that, this latest outburst just completely heighten my dislike towards this person. From today onwards I am just going to try to lessen the amount of communication between this person and me as well as meeting arrangements.

I'm not a very direct person I know but I hate confrontations and/or conflicts. Personally, I do not like it because it will just make relations between people that little bit harder to make and truthfully I don't particularly want to be bad-mouthed by others either. Unless of course I can afford to be completely ruthless, which I have never had to do before (thank goodness). But either way, I still do not like the sudden outburst using such a language to my (not per se) face for something that seems so trivial. I may have been thinking in such an old-fashioned way for my age and generation but I think it is also partly because I normally befriend people I 'thought' was within the same wavelength as me. Perhaps I need to review my friendship-o-meter better next time 'round.

New User Interface? Why not, I say!

I do not understand why people despise technological changes so much. I mean, I do understand that changes are perhaps inconvenient because sometimes you would need to relearn certain things in order to get back into the rhythm. But I adore and embrace technological changes. They are exciting and provide absolutely new possibilities and potentials.

Well I suppose before I delve more into the argument I should state that what I refer to are mainly new operating systems, navigational systems and basically all aspects of interactivity between user and the system. Unfortunately, I do not have the cerebral capacity to store the technical aspects of machines or codings so I can't exactly comment on that. But for the most part companies, inventors, designers, developers and engineers would create something that users would be able to interact with ease albeit with a little bit of learning. What I do not get is that after all the time and effort they have put into it some users are reluctant to relearn something that was modified for faster operational system and efficiency.

Take for example the Deviant Art V.7, the newest (and according to the developers, faster) system that Deviant Art has to offer its community members. I browsed a couple of deviants' pages and read journals that seemed to express utter hatred towards the newest version but personally, I quite enjoy knowing that everything has been modified to promote the artwork and reduce clutter. With the newest version it means enlarged versions of the images are viewed individually without flash ads on either side for greater appreciation of the artwork. And to be honest, I am more than happy having individual buttons for favouriting artworks or to download rather than having a dropdown menu that you would need to wait for it to appear before you can favourite or download.

I do not get the negative sentiments of the people who rather stick to older user interfaces. I suppose it's the sentimental nature of people who would rather stick to something they are already familiar and comfortable with especially when dealing with the ever changing aspects of technology. But I say, embrace it! Adore it! Love it! For technology will never cease to continue to advance into the ever distant future.

One thing I can never understand perhaps are remote controls. Again, that's a whole new argument worthy of its own post. Perhaps next time.

New Book(s) to Read

After a very long 2 months trying to read The Corrections and finally got the end of it I can rejoice and once again delve myself into the realm of fiction. To be quite honest The Corrections is perhaps not the kind of book that I usually read though it is an interesting insight into human nature. What I particularly like about the book is perhaps how the end doesn't necessarily tied up the loose ends of the characters' humanity but rather ends it with a satisfying sigh.

It wasn't the plot that makes the read interesting and engaging (though they usually do towards the end of each 'chapter') but rather how the author delved so much into each character and their histories. I have to say though the author did a far better job towards retelling the male characters' stories compared to their female counterparts. But either way there was almost a sense of redemption from each character as the family members come together for one last Christmas dinner.

Anyway, besides that very amateurish review the next book on the list to tackle is The City & The City by China Miéville, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I'm rereading The Great Gatsby that I last read during highschool and I have to say at the moment I probably appreciate it a lot more compared to then when I hardly understood the words yet alone the meaningful content. As well I have read the Life of Pi previously and have enjoyed it thoroughly and decided to make that as our newest book to read before our next book club meeting (the selection was done not out of my own preference but through unanimous approval because most who haven't read it wanted to read it). Life of Pi is perhaps another book that I would not mind rereading and am looking forward to rereading it.

So. Juggling three books and no life shouldn't be too hard. Meanwhile, if they all get to be too demanding I always have the complete Sherlock Holmes collection to keep me entertained.